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some thoughts

By StackyMcRacky (Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 10:13:24 AM EST) (all tags)

but mostly feelings

My sister, her husband and my nephew are all in town for a visit. As what is now "usual," the visit has brought back all the thoughts of how much my sister has hurt my feelings in the last few years. I'm hoping I can get a few minutes alone with her to tell her. I'm not sure it will actually accomplish anything, but I might feel better with her know what a complete ass she's been. Who knows, maybe she'll make an effort to be nice.

Filed under "jumping the gun," I don't think I'm a candidate for a VBAC when (if?) I have another child. This disappoints me to no end. I feel totally cheated by my c-section. Yes, yes, at the time (and even in retrospect) it was the right call to make, etc...but I still feel cheated. Occasionally I feel the scar tissue deep inside my gut pulling, and it always upsets me. I'm told I'll always have that pulling sensation - it never goes away.

Personally, I would like to wait until the dude is 3 to consider having another one. Unfortunately, I don't think we can wait that long. Because of my age....because of what happened with my pregnancy last time...IF we're going to have another one it needs to be sooner rather than later. Roll with the punches.

I love my baby boy more than I ever thought was possible. He is so cute and so amazing. I just want to snuggle him all the time. He's such a good little boy. Even when he's being fussy, he's still really good. He's SO MUCH FUN, too.

I'm just in a bit of a funk today. I'm probably going to cancel lunch with my mother. The dude and I could use a family-free day to rest up a bit.

I finally found a source for eggs. I should be picking up 3 dozen tomorrow morning. Good god, they're expensive - $3.50 a dozen! That's food, I suppose.

Meh, that's all for now. I'm going to try to tidy up a bit while he's sleeping.

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some thoughts | 46 comments (46 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback

There is a lot to be said for having them close by georgeha (4.00 / 2) #1 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 10:21:55 AM EST

together, my BIL's kids are seniors and juniors in college, almost out of the nest.

There's also that biological clock thing, I'm glad we didn't wait much longer (we were shooting for 4 years apart, it took an extra year to get the six year old).

wow by webwench (4.00 / 1) #2 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 10:23:09 AM EST

you are a BRAVE woman

^{Getting more attention than you since 1998.}

Don't let your age by muchagecko (2.00 / 0) #3 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 10:25:45 AM EST

make you jump into another kid.

You've got plenty of time.

"It means more if you have to earn it, even if it's by doing something as simple as eating a meal." Kellnerin

well by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #6 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 11:29:37 AM EST

i don't want to spend an entire pregnancy on bedrest

[ Parent ]

Not necessarily going to happen by muchagecko (2.00 / 0) #13 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 11:56:44 AM EST

if you wait. There are many options - find a doctor or midwife you trust and get their opinion before you rule out anything.

"It means more if you have to earn it, even if it's by doing something as simple as eating a meal." Kellnerin
[ Parent ]

midwife is totally out by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #14 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 12:00:17 PM EST

since I've had a c-section.

i trust my ob-gyn totally and completely.

while i know a 2nd pregnancy won't be the same as the first, there are some underlying issues that are quite likely to happen again and with age become more difficult to deal with.

[ Parent ]

just because you've had a C-section by muchagecko (2.00 / 0) #15 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 12:07:06 PM EST

doesn't put midwives out. But it's good you trust your OB-Gyn. Talk to him/her about your options.

"It means more if you have to earn it, even if it's by doing something as simple as eating a meal." Kellnerin
[ Parent ]

yes, it does by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #16 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 12:13:14 PM EST

legally, you can only have a vbac with a physician and an anethesiaologist present in the room.

[ Parent ]

Maybe. by muchagecko (2.00 / 0) #17 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 12:16:08 PM EST

My midwife worked with a hospital doctor, who signed off on all that stuff.

"It means more if you have to earn it, even if it's by doing something as simple as eating a meal." Kellnerin
[ Parent ]

Um, no. by notafurry (2.00 / 0) #23 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 01:26:31 PM EST

I suppose Texas might have different rules, but at the very least here in Washington, that's not correct. At the absolute most, that's a provider rule.

[ Parent ]

In Texas, it's the law by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #26 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 02:04:59 PM EST

[ Parent ]

hit post too soon by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #27 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 02:05:52 PM EST

and it's the reason most hospitals in texas don't do vbacs - they don't have the funds for the staffing.

[ Parent ]

Tht's incredibly stupid by notafurry (2.00 / 0) #29 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 03:11:21 PM EST

One more reason not to live in Texas. I'll make my own medical decisions, thanks.

[ Parent ]

which part is stupid? by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #30 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 03:23:27 PM EST

the law, or the smaller hospitals not being able to finance it?

i can understand why they have the law - isn't the rate of having a herniated uterus during vbac like 1%? while it seems low, when you run actual number,s it's creepy....

example: the hospital where i had the dude delivers 800 babies/month. if the c-section rate is 25% (isn't that the national average?), then that's 200 deliveries a month. we'll assume for the sake of making this easy, that all the c-section women have another baby, with 1% of them having a herniated uterus during delivery, giving us a grand total of this happening twice a month. (please note, i do understand that my numbers are probably really really far off from the real world, but whatever - 1% is a high rate).

anyway, the point of all of this is, if i were having a vbac and i was one of the lucky ones who had a problem and there wasn't a doctor or anethis. around......well, i would say i'd be pissed off, but i'd probably be dead, along with my baby.

I don't see how that's the state making any decision for you, they're just ensuring that you have the highest chance of living if something goes wrong.

[ Parent ]

The law is stupid. by notafurry (2.00 / 0) #33 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 06:56:56 PM EST

Among many other things. One, the c-section rate is ridiculously high, as high as 40% in some of our local hospitals. Worldwide? Less than 10%. Cesarean delivery is supposed to be an emergency procedure done in the case of a genuine medical emergency. The risks and side effects on both mother and baby - including the increased risk of a herniated uterus in a VBAC - make scheduled and "elective" cesareans utterly ridiculous. (Important note: from the information you've given of your pregnancy, your cesarean would appear to qualify as medically necessary.)

Two, a roughly 1% risk of a herniated uterus is significant, and much higher than was originally assumed in a VBAC. It's still pretty low. Most studies on Cesareans show the rate for medically necessary Cesareans - in a first pregnancy - is about 4%. So, 1 in 25 pregnancies require medical intervention due to a serious complication, and we're fine with midwives and home births and birthing centers. A complication which affects a subset of pregnant women and has only a 1% rate of occurrence within that subset suddenly requires a major state-mandated intervention?

So, put it together. We know about the physical and emotional impact of even a successful cesarean delivery on both the mother and the child - yet elective cesareans are performed every day in every hospital in the US. We also know that the risk of extra complications in a VBAC is higher than originally expected, but in the vast majority - 99% according to your numbers, which I don't argue with - vaginal delivery is normal, with no higher incidence of most complications than normal non-VBAC vaginal delivery, and none of the risk factors associated with cesarean delivery. Yet VBAC is being banned by the state.

Explain to me how that's a case of the state looking out for the best interests of women and children. Scenario A, known risks and side effects of procedure: patients have free reign to do as they please. Scenario B, known risks with low rate of occurrence: patients are mandated to take the most extreme possible path of protection.

Sure. Patient safety. Right.

[ Parent ]

you *know* how this came about by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #37 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 08:41:16 PM EST

somebody knew the risks, and went VBAC. said person died. person's survivors went on a campaign to make sure "this would never happen to anybody else."

that's how so many laws get on the books.

the state isn't banning VBACs - you can still have one, you just have to have emergency medical personnel standing by. it's patient safety the same way HIPAA is patient privacy.

on another note - having been through a c-section, i have NO FUCKING CLUE why people actually elect to have babies this way. i mean - they must be nuts! it's major abdominal surgery. the easiest part of my pregnancy was being in labor. compared to everything else, it was practically a breeze. yes, it hurt, but by focusing and breathing into the pain (as you now are teaching people, which is so cool, btw!) you can manage it. it wasn't until they started jacking around with the Pitocin that everything went very, very wrong for me. maybe one day i'll be able to write about what happened, and why i ended up with a c-section.

[ Parent ]

: Yeah, I know by notafurry (2.00 / 0) #40 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 09:32:23 PM EST

And that's part of the stupid.
The intended consequence is that people can have a VBAC as long as they follow the law. The actual consequence is that people who would try a VBAC feel they can't because their provider won't support it, or - far worse - they take extra risks to have the VBAC they want by forgoing all medical support until the last minute.
Re: your experience - that's what happens to a lot of women. They decide to speed things up for one reason or another, the petocin doesn't work as expected, so they either give more or something to slow back down... by the time they've fucked with it for a while, the mother's having a c-section due to fetal distress.
Bah. It sucks for a number of reasons. It sucks because so many cesareans happen because the mother isn't educated and prepared and ready for childbirth. It sucks because we have a culture or an environment that says everything should be convenient or painless and so we accept additional risks and costs without acknowledging them just to get those. And lastly, it sucks because women who genuinely need a cesarean for medical reasons get lumped into the same categories as all the women who got them so their baby would be born on a convenient date.
If we only did cesareans for medical reasons, would the risks of a VBAC still exist? Certainly. But they would be rare enough, compared to the overall number of births, that they would be something to deal with on an individual basis, not something to class as a common occurrence and legislate in this way.

[ Parent ]

I am amazed by anonimouse (2.00 / 0) #4 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 10:41:54 AM EST

By the fact that women forget they had a painful pregnancy or birth about 6 weeks after the arrival of their child, and want another.

He's SO MUCH FUN, too.
Just you wait till he hits 18 months, or even worse, becomes a teenager.

I seem to recall that having had one C-section, you're much more likely to deliver the next one the same way.

Anyway, asking the forbidden question, just how old are you? I didn't think you were a candidate for a retirement home just yet.

Girls come and go but a mortgage is for 25 years -- JtL

nobody's forgetting anything by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #7 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 11:32:30 AM EST

it was a painful pregnancy, and a traumatic birth. and i'm not entirely convinced i want to do it again.

VBAC depends on a lot of factors, and I pretty much fail the test. I don't think I ever discussed on the site the reasons why I had to have a c, did I?

Not a forbidden question at all - I'm 35...the magical age where pregnancy becomes high-risk.

[ Parent ]

Please don't say that's old! by Corky Sherwood (2.00 / 0) #45 Wed Jan 09, 2008 at 04:05:59 PM EST

I'm still waiting for Mr Right Sperm Donor and I'm 38. If things keep going in this direction I'll be over 40 by the time I even try.

I know it's rare, but there are women who have kids later in life. You are still young and you've already had one. You'll be fine.

Keep writing; I've been reading. :)

[ Parent ]

: it's not old! by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #46 Wed Jan 09, 2008 at 04:26:35 PM EST

it's just medically considered "high risk"
i know more than a few people who had their first kid after 40 with no issues at all.

[ Parent ]

forget? by Merekat (2.00 / 0) #8 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 11:32:35 AM EST

Doesn't seem an appropriate word. I think maybe 'fully informed tradeoff' applies better.

[ Parent ]

Some women forget. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #10 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 11:33:32 AM EST

Some, like my sister-in-law, demand their husbands get a vasectomy the second the birth is over and make him get it before leaving the hospital.

Though it was suspicious than about three months later she was telling Mrs. NFB, "well, I won't be having another kid with THIS guy anyway."

I've told her ever since I met her that her desire to have everything done the second she thinks of it would one day be her undoing.

[ Parent ]

Family are mostly shite by Phage (2.00 / 0) #5 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 10:59:20 AM EST

But then I don't bother telling them. It's like kicking puppies.

Founder member Golgafrinchan 'B' Ark

i got along much better with my family by StackyMcRacky (4.00 / 2) #9 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 11:33:07 AM EST

when we all lived many hours apart.

[ Parent ]

: Oh yeah. by wiredog (2.00 / 0) #18 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 12:16:59 PM EST

I have some relatives that I get along with very well, as long as we don't see each other very often. Every other year for a few days, say, is good.

Earth First!
_{(We can strip mine the rest later.)}
[ Parent ]

I disagree. by nightflameblue (2.00 / 0) #11 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 11:34:06 AM EST

If I kick puppies, I end up feeling guilty.

[ Parent ]

: Apologies by Phage (4.00 / 1) #12 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 11:36:53 AM EST

That's what I meant. It's the bewildered look in their eyes.

Founder member Golgafrinchan 'B' Ark
[ Parent ]

Please post pictures of your boy!! by me0w (2.00 / 0) #19 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 12:43:07 PM EST

"There's really only one sexually related thing I'm good at: Producing incredibly volumous amounts of spooge on a regular basis." - ni

PAGING CLOCK by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #20 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 12:49:32 PM EST

he is the keeper of the fotoz

[ Parent ]

Well then!! by me0w (2.00 / 0) #21 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 01:03:02 PM EST

CLOCK!! NEED PHOTOS PLEASE!!

"There's really only one sexually related thing I'm good at: Producing incredibly volumous amounts of spooge on a regular basis." - ni
[ Parent ]

mommy and TEH D00D! by clock (4.00 / 2) #22 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 01:20:07 PM EST

for your enjoyment:

_{Clock is right. [nt] --vorheesleatherface}

[ Parent ]

He's huge by georgeha (4.00 / 1) #24 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 01:28:15 PM EST

if either one of you carry him like that for long, you're headed for physical therapy.

[ Parent ]

true! by clock (4.00 / 1) #25 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 01:29:54 PM EST

but right now my wife can arm wrestle truckers for spare cash, so i'm not too worried about her.

_{Clock is right. [nt] --vorheesleatherface}

[ Parent ]

that photo is from a month ago by StackyMcRacky (4.00 / 1) #28 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 03:10:07 PM EST

so i'm sure he's bigger now.

i can't even tell anymore.

[ Parent ]

no wonder it was tough by garlic (2.00 / 0) #31 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 04:18:38 PM EST

that guys a giant!

re more babies: adoption?

[ Parent ]

: our original life plan by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #32 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 05:16:23 PM EST

was to have 2 kids and adopt 1. adoption is not off the plate by any means.

[ Parent ]

wait by dev trash (4.00 / 1) #35 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 07:33:54 PM EST

is the dood scoping out the babes?

--
Click
[ Parent ]

: the d00d is... by clock (2.00 / 0) #38 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 09:24:31 PM EST

...a total babe magnet. i could totally score with him as my wingman.
wait a sec...

_{Clock is right. [nt] --vorheesleatherface}

[ Parent ]

He's a cutie!! by me0w (4.00 / 1) #36 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 08:25:10 PM EST

I am going to marry your son!

"There's really only one sexually related thing I'm good at: Producing incredibly volumous amounts of spooge on a regular basis." - ni
[ Parent ]

: i dunno... by clock (2.00 / 0) #39 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 09:26:02 PM EST

...the way he was scopin' out theboz's daughter it's clear that he goes for the older women!

_{Clock is right. [nt] --vorheesleatherface}

[ Parent ]

well by LilFlightTest (2.00 / 0) #34 Mon Jan 07, 2008 at 06:57:06 PM EST

if you don't have another, can i borrow the giant bras? =P
---------
if de-virgination results in me being able to birth hammerhead sharks, SIGN ME UP!!! --misslake

the LAST thing you want... by clock (2.00 / 0) #41 Tue Jan 08, 2008 at 07:58:02 AM EST

...is one of her used nursing bras. you know how in all of the sci-fi movies they go on and on about the failing structural integrity of the hull? apply that to these and the tiny plastic clips that hold them together. these will be SHOT by the time the dude is done using mommy as a buffet.

_{Clock is right. [nt] --vorheesleatherface}

[ Parent ]

: i can't hold her together, captain! by LilFlightTest (2.00 / 0) #43 Tue Jan 08, 2008 at 06:23:13 PM EST

hull breach
---------
if de-virgination results in me being able to birth hammerhead sharks, SIGN ME UP!!! --misslake
[ Parent ]

Other Thoughts on Additional Children by FlightTest (2.00 / 0) #42 Tue Jan 08, 2008 at 03:38:45 PM EST

One can be enough, and there's nothing inherently wrong with being an only child. At this point, I think we'll stick with the just the one. Of course, she does have a significant background that makes it better for her to be an only child, and we're starting at the teen years. Also, we haven't had her that long, so it's possible we may change our minds, though I think that by the time she'd be emotionally ready for a sibling (other than LFT) we might feel too old to take on another.

Also: ADOPTION! Nothing says you can't adopt if you already have a bio-child. There are sadly plenty of children in need of adoption if you don't insist on 3 years old or younger. Even for infants, it is doable without going outside the U.S., though it is a longer process and very expensive (our adoption has been virtually free).

But, and I know you both know this, don't make any lasting decision in haste. You do have some time to make the decision.

: yep! by StackyMcRacky (2.00 / 0) #44 Tue Jan 08, 2008 at 09:54:09 PM EST

our original "plan" was to have 2 of our own and then adopt a 3rd (aged around 3 or 4), so we're not ruling that out by any means!!!

[ Parent ]

some thoughts | 46 comments (46 topical, 0 hidden) | Trackback